Writing about something creates a record of your truth at that moment. That’s a hard thing for me since I’ve never been very forgiving of change or mistakes. So I struggle with this box when it comes to sharing about my life. It’s way easier to post a photo of my food or talk about a TV show while keeping most of myself off record. (Plus, I am an unabashed over-editor, which makes it harder to hit “Publish.”) But that’s hardly helpful (or healthy). And I’ve been helped a lot over the years by the personal writings of strangers on the internet who are braver than I am.
So this is me posting something personal because I want this space to be more personal, and to reflect who/where/what I am more than it does now. I don’t know what that looks like yet but if it’s messy/uncomfortable/confusing, this is me saying that’s okay.
I had a hard weekend. I moved to a new city four years ago to get on a better path and infuse some momentum into my life. After two jobs, a financial level-up, and a year in therapy, I think I accomplished some positive growth, and I’m proud of that. But there are some lingering not-so-good parts of my life that feel, well, terrible right now.
It took me a long time to get to know myself and start making real, deliberate decisions. I’ve spent too much time feeling lost and like I was pretending in most situations. I don’t want to do that anymore, but big change doesn’t happen fast, so it’s like I’m straddling this line every day between living as myself and for the things I want, and still being stuck in this life of misguided past choices. It’s tough but I’m working on it and staying as positive as I can. It’s just scary and sometimes I have a hard weekend.